It has almost been 2 weeks since my beloved father passed away. Remarkably, the days pass and I can focus on something else than my grief... but there are always things that cross my mind that rip open my heart, over and over again.
The ad, for example. It forces me to see what has happened and understand it with body and mind and that hurts so bad. If only the mind knows it is better - you know what has happened and you are sad about it without crying, but when your body - especially your heart - tries to keep up with what the mind knows, an excruciating pain runs through your body. That is when you can't help but crying. Crying like when you were a child. Unstoppable tears.
I am not in shock anymore, but I still can't fully accept that this has happened. I still feel like I can call my dad and speak about life and that he would answer the phone. My mind knows I can't do it, but my body, my hands, want to dial his phone number to hear his voice. I have done it. I have called my dad 3 times since he passed away. I heard his voice these 3 times - his voicemail greeting message. I shouldn't have called because it didn't do me any good. It's like I am trying to collect evidence of the fact that what happened din not happen... because i still feels like a bad dream. But I know I will never wake up from this dream, because i's not a dream. I just can't accept that just yet...
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