Six years ago

The 19th of March 2010 was a day I feared... It was the day of my father's funeral. It was a month after his passing and I still hadn't fully accepted that he was gone. Saying farewell would be accepting it and speaking about him in past tense, which I hadn't been able to do at that point. But I made myself strong and was able to hold it together for most of the beautiful service me and my mother and brother had planned. Grief is such a private thing but at a funeral you're "supposed" to let it show, if only for a bit. I have never had any problems in showing my emotions but this day I felt I wanted to keep it a beautiful goodbye day. With my dad watching from within the church (not having fully left yet) seeing us being strong and happy to have each other so he wouldn't have to worry about us.

My cousin played a favourite song he used to whistle "La vie en rose" on her violin, a lady sang an altered (by me and my brother) version of "Goodbye my lover" - a goodbye from Mum, and me and my brother held a speech for dad. It was a beautiful service by the priest that also helped out on the preschool me and my brother went to as kids. Such a good priest who can really connect with people even if you're not a Christian or religious of any kind.

This day was tough but not as tough as I had thought. The tough part of it all will always be to get used to a life where my father isn't present. It gets easier with time but the pain doesn't go away. You just learn how to live with it.

Always missed, never forgotten.

Love you forever, my hero,  my role model, my dearest dad. Pappa. 

Rest in Peace...

Yesterday, I went to my Swedish grandmother's funeral. It was a very sad but also happy day. I loved that it was both. We were able to say a proper (tearful) goodbye to her at the church and afterwards we all went to my aunt's house to talk and have something to eat. It was a gathering of family from the north and the south of Sweden, talking about happy memories of the childhood in the north. It was so nice to see people I had never met before or I had only met as a baby, having something so recogniseable about them at first sight - they all kind of had the Englund nose, that I also see in the mirror every morning.

My father and his siblings used to spend their summer far up north in Tornedalen, oh so close to nature - actually bang in the middle of nature with nothing but fresh air. I loved to hear that even my great grandmother was a tough old lady! She was a big strong woman, raised on proper home made butter and fresh cream and weighed close to 100kg (about 200lb). She used to ride down a steep hill on her trolley, controlling the cirves of the road perfectly with that tremendous speed! I hope I got some of that in my blood!

My grandmother was a tough and determined lady that wasn't always easy to get along with, but she was my grandmother and I will always cherish the happy memories I had with her.

Vila i frid, farmor.