Why wait?

As many wise people say - repeatedly - why wait to tell someone that you love them, that you think they are nice, kind, smart, trendy or just really handsome? If you wait, will the situation change? The answer is: maybe. Why is it maybe? Because you might lose the opportunity to tell the person what you feel and they will never know and you will have lost an opportunity to make that person happy. That is a real pity. You would kick yourself more than you think if you were the one having missed that opportunity.

I'm not kicking myself. I told my dad that I loved him many times and I tried to show it in my own way as well. For that I'm happy. But it also makes me think that we can make so many other people happy just by saying the truth. If the truth is a positive thing. The expression "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it" is very often used, but I have never heard of a similar expression for the contrary; "if you have something nice to say - say it!!". In our society today, it even goes as far as to scepticism towards kindness. If someone says something nice to you, you might even wonder "what does this person want from me? It can't be that he/she is just being nice. There has to be an ulterior motive". Sad. So true and so sad. I have to admit I used to be one of the people with those sceptic thoughts, even though they were relatively "small". I'm still working on removing those. More importantly, I'm working on improving my communication of happy truths to the people in my surrounding. Not just to my friends and family but to people I work with, people on the tube or in the supermarket. If I have something nice to say and if I can find the courage to say it and make sure I don't sound like a weird person, I say it: "I like your hat", for example. You usually get a smile back. That truly brightens up one's day, according to me.

Happiness

The wonder of time makes miracles happen. I thought the world would stop turning when my beloved father passed away almost 3 weeks ago. But it didn't. I went back to work, although my thought were somewhere else from time to time. I continued working on my spreadsheets and security analyis. Like nothing had happened... But something did happen. The worst thing that has ever happened to our family. That is why I feel so guilty for being able to function suprisingly well...

I have had bad dreams of this happening during the last couple of years and I always imagined I would collapse and sink into a black hole and not come out again for quite sometime... But the thing I never counted on was the shock tha has prevented me from fully accepting what happened. The shock has protected me from falling apart, although I do fall to pieces every day and get assembled back together again. I have a fear within me of falling apart during the funeral. I want to be able to say "good bye" to my father in a dignified way, keeping it together, being strong for him, my mother and my brother.

I know my father would be so worried seing us devastated, because all he ever wanted when he was alive was for us to be happy - forever. For him and my mother and brother, I will do my best to be just that - happy - and if I can anybody else happy on the way to happiness that would make my father very happy looking down at me from heaven.

It hurts so much

It has almost been 2 weeks since my beloved father passed away. Remarkably, the days pass and I can focus on something else than my grief... but there are always things that cross my mind that rip open my heart, over and over again.

The ad, for example. It forces me to see what has happened and understand it with body and mind and that  hurts so bad. If only the mind knows it is better - you know what has happened and you are sad about it without crying, but when your body - especially your heart - tries to keep up with what the mind knows, an excruciating pain runs through your body. That is when you can't help but crying. Crying like when you were a child. Unstoppable tears.

I am not in shock anymore, but I still can't fully accept that this has happened. I still feel like I can call my dad and speak about life and that he would answer the phone. My mind knows I can't do it, but my body, my hands, want to dial his phone number to hear his voice. I have done it. I have called my dad 3 times since he passed away. I heard his voice these 3 times - his voicemail greeting message. I shouldn't have called because it didn't do me any good. It's like I am trying to collect evidence of the fact that what happened din not happen... because i still feels like a bad dream. But I know I will never wake up from this dream, because i's not a dream. I just can't accept that just yet...

The world's greatest dad

My father was the best dad a person could ever have. He and my Mom made me the person I am today. I can't believe he will never hug me again, that he will never play with his future grand children or see me or my brother getting married. It breaks my heart.

He was taken away from us too soon. Life is so unfair. There was so much left in life he wanted to do.

RIP

Dad I will always love you. I can't even understand that you are gone. Nothing will ever be the same again. I was always your little girl and I still am. Look down at me from heaven and be my guardian angel.

Rest in Peace.

Hola

La Puerta de Alcalá in Madrid, Spain

It's been a while since I last wrote something... I think it's because of the lack of time and energy... Lately stuff at work have reached a crazy level and my studies have intensified massively. So I think I just lost my will to write something for a while.

A lot has happened lately. Not just the stuff a wrote about above, but for example: D is being transferred to Madrid through work. It's a good thing professionally for him, but that means - long distance relationship - yet again... I mean, we have a mortgage and we have to both be able to pay it otherwise the bank people will chase us down and beat us with their briefcases and worse... So I couldn't just leave London without having a job in Madrid.

Leaving London - I'm perfectly fine with that, given that I get a decent job in my next location. I have had fun and gained great friendships here but I don't feel that attached to the city itself. It's an amazing city and I know I will come back to see friends and go for shopping and culture, but I don't see it as my home. I never did.

Having said that, I don't really see any place as my home other than Stockholm and I don't feel the need to live there as I always go back there to see my family and friends. It will always be such a big part of my life anyway. The way I feel now, is that home is where D is. So when he leaves for Madrid - in the beginning of April, I will have the perfect excuse to just dive into my CFA books and not resurface until June, because by then I know I will have begun in my pre-exam panic phase ever so slightly, but noticeably. That will just get worse as the exam date gets closer and will culminate on the night before the exam, not to reappear again until the next exam. Good for D that he won't be here through that phase - it can be pretty rough if you're the boyfriend.

Well now I got started with the CFA and Madrid stuff on the blog, which made me a bit stressed about the exam... I have to go study some more now...

The big question is, will there be a "Englund in Madrid" blog continuation? Maybe soon, maybe never.

I just say: "Que será, será".

My sale findings...

This is the magic dress (plus shoes and belt) my parents bought me from the sales... Love the colour!

The first picture shows just how bad I am at taking pictures of myself (I would be a useless fashion blogger!) ... so I got some help from D in the second one...

My Xmas holiday pics

It was very snowy in Sweden

...but very beautiful

My brother with gf J by the Swedish xmas table

This is one of 3 square Spanish tortillas that I made

We had a very nice family lunch with my dad's cousin and his family

Of course we had to celebrate M's birthday!!

We are so cute together, aren't we?

Then we were off to London and there my mom fund the tiramisu of her life

On our way to see the fireworks by the London Eye

Waiting for the fireworks

...by St Paul's Cathedral

My mom is happy to find pastries by Columbia road

Columbia Road flower market

Cute hands up cat

My new shoes

My parents took me xmas sale shopping - aginst my will!! (not true) Jokes aside (this is serious stuff, we're talking about shopping), we hit the shops, mainly one shop which is mine and my mom's favourite shop - Reiss. My parents actually knew the location of the Reiss super mega store - I didn't and I live here!!! Needless to say, when I saw the shopping paradise before me, I thought: I can't hurt to look. Next thing I knew I was trying on dress after dress and falling in love with all of them! I came out of the shop with 2 amazing dresses, a belt  and one pair of shoes.

My parents bought me one of the dresses (amazing blue one) with a matching belt and the pair of shoes as late xmas presents. Tack så mycket!! Domo Arigatou!! Muchas Gracias!! Thanks very much!!

I bought an LBD (=Little Black Dress) for myself, because every girl needs to have one!!! (as if I didn't already have many!!). I am so happy!

The shoes are really cute aren't they?! I think it was meant to be as their name is "The Chrissie".