I'm also lucky...

Me and my brother - both friends and siblings

For a period of time last year, I was often thinking that a lot of bad things had happened to me lately - they are not even worth mentioning in the blog now - but they made an impact on my life. They were problems that took time and energy from me.


So, how come that when the biggest tragedy I have experienced to date, makes things positive in my life? The answer is that it puts things into perspective. Now I'm thinking: "what the hell was I whining about last year?!". I look back and think that they aren't even problems, just mere obstacles - road bumps. Compared to what me and my family have gone through these last 2 months, it's nothing worth mentioning even. 


Now, instead of focusing on what I don't have ( well except from one big exception - my Dad) I try to focus positive energy to be happy about what I do have. I am lucky enough to have an amazing, strong and generous and caring Mother, a brave, clever, funny, kind and incredible brother and his wonderful girlfriend J, as well as D - my honest, compassionate, charismatic and loving b-friend. Not to forget my amazing friends and family that live farther away. All these people make life easier to live when you're going through something you thought wouldn't be able to cope with very well. I am so grateful for this. I feel truly blessed to have them all in my life.

Columbia Road

My beautiful Gerberas

Something that brightens up my day is a bouquet of fresh flowers. Sounds silly but it does. Especially on a day like today when it really felt like spring is here to stay. Since we moved to Shoreditch I have started to like fresh flowers even more and it's mainly because we are around the corner from the Flower Market on Columbia Road. 

Every Sunday Columbia Road is transformed into a big flower market place where flower sellers are shouting at you: "A bunch of roses for 5 pounds!!" or like today at closing time when I went there: "One bunch of Gerberas for a pound!!". I answered: "I'll have 3 of them please!!! In pink, orange and yellow, please!!"

... and my day instantly looked a little bit brighter...

Bye bye baby

D in Stockholm

Today was another sad day for me. My baby, D, left for Madrid to start a new adventure. We've had an extraordinary Easter break together in Sweden, so that was a good way to say "so long". However, it's going to be hard as I'm going to miss my baby very much.


I try to look at it from the bright side: I will have sooo much time to focus on the CFA Level 2 exam... Yay...Not so happy about it now, but I really need it. I can already feel the stress of the exam coming closer... Less than 2 months left... Yikes!!


I really can't wait to get it over with. I am planning so many fun things to do after the exam. So many "normal" books to read and friends to visit and my baby, of course.


D, if you read this: Pasatelo bien en Madrid. Ya iré a verte después del examen, pero te mandaré cositas de Londres para que te acuerdes de mi!!!! ;-) Un besiiiiiii

Why wait?

As many wise people say - repeatedly - why wait to tell someone that you love them, that you think they are nice, kind, smart, trendy or just really handsome? If you wait, will the situation change? The answer is: maybe. Why is it maybe? Because you might lose the opportunity to tell the person what you feel and they will never know and you will have lost an opportunity to make that person happy. That is a real pity. You would kick yourself more than you think if you were the one having missed that opportunity.

I'm not kicking myself. I told my dad that I loved him many times and I tried to show it in my own way as well. For that I'm happy. But it also makes me think that we can make so many other people happy just by saying the truth. If the truth is a positive thing. The expression "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it" is very often used, but I have never heard of a similar expression for the contrary; "if you have something nice to say - say it!!". In our society today, it even goes as far as to scepticism towards kindness. If someone says something nice to you, you might even wonder "what does this person want from me? It can't be that he/she is just being nice. There has to be an ulterior motive". Sad. So true and so sad. I have to admit I used to be one of the people with those sceptic thoughts, even though they were relatively "small". I'm still working on removing those. More importantly, I'm working on improving my communication of happy truths to the people in my surrounding. Not just to my friends and family but to people I work with, people on the tube or in the supermarket. If I have something nice to say and if I can find the courage to say it and make sure I don't sound like a weird person, I say it: "I like your hat", for example. You usually get a smile back. That truly brightens up one's day, according to me.

Happiness

The wonder of time makes miracles happen. I thought the world would stop turning when my beloved father passed away almost 3 weeks ago. But it didn't. I went back to work, although my thought were somewhere else from time to time. I continued working on my spreadsheets and security analyis. Like nothing had happened... But something did happen. The worst thing that has ever happened to our family. That is why I feel so guilty for being able to function suprisingly well...

I have had bad dreams of this happening during the last couple of years and I always imagined I would collapse and sink into a black hole and not come out again for quite sometime... But the thing I never counted on was the shock tha has prevented me from fully accepting what happened. The shock has protected me from falling apart, although I do fall to pieces every day and get assembled back together again. I have a fear within me of falling apart during the funeral. I want to be able to say "good bye" to my father in a dignified way, keeping it together, being strong for him, my mother and my brother.

I know my father would be so worried seing us devastated, because all he ever wanted when he was alive was for us to be happy - forever. For him and my mother and brother, I will do my best to be just that - happy - and if I can anybody else happy on the way to happiness that would make my father very happy looking down at me from heaven.

It hurts so much

It has almost been 2 weeks since my beloved father passed away. Remarkably, the days pass and I can focus on something else than my grief... but there are always things that cross my mind that rip open my heart, over and over again.

The ad, for example. It forces me to see what has happened and understand it with body and mind and that  hurts so bad. If only the mind knows it is better - you know what has happened and you are sad about it without crying, but when your body - especially your heart - tries to keep up with what the mind knows, an excruciating pain runs through your body. That is when you can't help but crying. Crying like when you were a child. Unstoppable tears.

I am not in shock anymore, but I still can't fully accept that this has happened. I still feel like I can call my dad and speak about life and that he would answer the phone. My mind knows I can't do it, but my body, my hands, want to dial his phone number to hear his voice. I have done it. I have called my dad 3 times since he passed away. I heard his voice these 3 times - his voicemail greeting message. I shouldn't have called because it didn't do me any good. It's like I am trying to collect evidence of the fact that what happened din not happen... because i still feels like a bad dream. But I know I will never wake up from this dream, because i's not a dream. I just can't accept that just yet...

The world's greatest dad

My father was the best dad a person could ever have. He and my Mom made me the person I am today. I can't believe he will never hug me again, that he will never play with his future grand children or see me or my brother getting married. It breaks my heart.

He was taken away from us too soon. Life is so unfair. There was so much left in life he wanted to do.

RIP

Dad I will always love you. I can't even understand that you are gone. Nothing will ever be the same again. I was always your little girl and I still am. Look down at me from heaven and be my guardian angel.

Rest in Peace.

Hola

La Puerta de Alcalá in Madrid, Spain

It's been a while since I last wrote something... I think it's because of the lack of time and energy... Lately stuff at work have reached a crazy level and my studies have intensified massively. So I think I just lost my will to write something for a while.

A lot has happened lately. Not just the stuff a wrote about above, but for example: D is being transferred to Madrid through work. It's a good thing professionally for him, but that means - long distance relationship - yet again... I mean, we have a mortgage and we have to both be able to pay it otherwise the bank people will chase us down and beat us with their briefcases and worse... So I couldn't just leave London without having a job in Madrid.

Leaving London - I'm perfectly fine with that, given that I get a decent job in my next location. I have had fun and gained great friendships here but I don't feel that attached to the city itself. It's an amazing city and I know I will come back to see friends and go for shopping and culture, but I don't see it as my home. I never did.

Having said that, I don't really see any place as my home other than Stockholm and I don't feel the need to live there as I always go back there to see my family and friends. It will always be such a big part of my life anyway. The way I feel now, is that home is where D is. So when he leaves for Madrid - in the beginning of April, I will have the perfect excuse to just dive into my CFA books and not resurface until June, because by then I know I will have begun in my pre-exam panic phase ever so slightly, but noticeably. That will just get worse as the exam date gets closer and will culminate on the night before the exam, not to reappear again until the next exam. Good for D that he won't be here through that phase - it can be pretty rough if you're the boyfriend.

Well now I got started with the CFA and Madrid stuff on the blog, which made me a bit stressed about the exam... I have to go study some more now...

The big question is, will there be a "Englund in Madrid" blog continuation? Maybe soon, maybe never.

I just say: "Que será, será".

My sale findings...

This is the magic dress (plus shoes and belt) my parents bought me from the sales... Love the colour!

The first picture shows just how bad I am at taking pictures of myself (I would be a useless fashion blogger!) ... so I got some help from D in the second one...